Zero to sixty really does happen in 3.2 seconds.

I suffer from anxiety. Lots of it and very often.


Most some of the time I can get around it. There's something around to divert my attention; I can work through the problem; things resolve themselves.


But those times I can't? Feel like my trainer placed a 200lb weight on my chest. On top of a roller coaster that's about to head down.


Today's one of those days. Enough little things happen and BAM! I spend my evenings goading myself to take deep breaths and pouring glass after glass of wine hoping that something - anything - will take away the feeling inside. I don't want to feel like this forever. Hell, I don't even want to feel like this for another minute. But I look at the clock and think "OMG, it's only XX:XX and I'll be awake for another XX minutes (hours) and is this going to last the entire time?" And this hasn't even taken into account the fact that I can get worked up enough to cue my own insomnia...see how this all works?


It's a nasty, vicious cycle. I hate it with every fiber of my being.


I've been wishing recently that I had medication to help me. Not what I already have (for depression) but actual anxiety medication. Something that will help me chill out when I think one more breath will do me in. I'm going to give it some more thought, but I'm thinking of calling my doctor on Monday.


Until then...


I can honestly say I feel a teeny bit better having written this out. But the knots in my chest & stomach have settled in for the evening, and it's all I can do right now to not let them win.


But it's hard. So, so, so, so hard.