Well, that's not entirely true. It's hard because it's a bit of self-revelation. And who wants to admit things that make the vulnerable & weepy over the innernets? I certainly don't. But.
This is my form of emotional upheaval, and it's that strange, magical time at the end of the year where I tend to step back, reflect, and reset myself for the New Year.So upheaving we go.
Usually I just do a State of the Union. That's coming, but in order to fully hash that one out, this one has to come first.
So alas.
I present to you, a 500-word dissertation about humiliation, also known as my love life. Enjoy.
I've been single for well over 4 years.
I'm in my 20s. WTH?
I've had the occasional fling, or crush, or pseudo interest, but nothing to call significant in recent years. Even reading back on the last 3 sentences brings real tears to my eyes.
In my own head, I have all the things that consider you to be a success in society's eyes and not make it a mission from God to find someone. I'm reasonably good looking, smart, & have a personality that is by no means Hannibal Lecter or the Grinch. So what's with the lack of a partner? The reason why is probably a combination of a lot of things. The southern city I live in & it's notoriety for beautiful women, not as many men & boys who like other boys; the fact that I don't get out as much as the average 20-something; that the guys who tend to hit me are usually really strange. I could probably write for days about this but the end result is always the same - sounds like an excuse and anyways, I'm going to bed alone.
A close friend always says "love the one that loves you." And in it's simplicity, it makes sense. I've got a least a couple of men who love me, but it's unsettling. The question I struggle with is "what if loving the one that loves you makes you unhappy?" Is it worth it then? I usually say no, but obviously that hasn't worked out too well. Due diligence is now required.
So...I present a roster of the men "in my life". I'm hoping that writing it all out will make things clearer for me. Names have been abbreviated to protect the
K - my most recent crush. Most everything's there - taller than me, physically my type, close to my age (most guys who hit on me are 5'2" and 50 - so not okay), interesting, interested in me. At least I thought. And yes, physically he is interested in me. I know that for a fact. However, he keeps putting me squarely into the friend zone and I'm not sure why. We talk a lot - at least once a day, and over the holiday break, damn near all day every day. The objective view of this says that I don't have any business still pining over someone only interested in getting to know me in a bedroom at 3am (BTW, he doesn't want to do that, he's strictly into friendship & his own personal sexual fantasies) and I know this. I know this really well because I emotionally vomited on him one night and forced him to admit his feelings (or lack thereof) for me, and once I knew, I decided for myself how to approach the relationship. I think though, because there's no one else around, I'm enjoying the attention.This makes me a sucker. <-- the last sentence was totally a revelation.
B - the friend from high school where there's a light (read: inexperienced teen) past. Cool guy, kept in touch off and on over the years. A few weeks ago, we reconnected more - Skype conversations & more communicating in general. While I didn't suspect he'd be rushing me down the aisle any time soon, I think I built up a make believe interest on his part...and now I can understand it's simply not there. See the pattern? Lack of overall attention = imagining attention when it's probably not there = hurt feelings all.the.time.
:: This is the part in the post where I already notice the pattern of patheticness and start drinking the previously untouched glass of wine with a new vigor::
D - worships the ground I walk on. Ideally, a perfect match. Older than I like, but not to the point where I couldn't get past it. Physically my type, funny, will do anything in the world for me. The drawback is that (1) there's something about him I don't trust (trust me on this) and (2) he works for my company, in my department, and he's not trusted there either. I care too much about my reputation to make foolish mistakes like this. Should I let it stop me in this situation? I don't know, but my gut says 'yes' and I think I should follow it this time. We did some casual dating about this time last year, then I found out he was still living with his "soon-to-be-ex-wife" while they worked things out. Insert 0_o here. No thanks, sir. Even still, a year later, he really is a sweetheart, truth be told - too bad I don't trust him further than I can throw him and that goes a loooooong way with me.
L - new back on the scene, someone I went to high school with and haven't thought of in that many years. He really wants to date me, but honestly? I can't get past the physical. It's vain and rude, I know. But seriously? It's my blog and I'm being honest. There's something about dating someone I don't even want to look at that is a big NO in my book.
There are others - the one that could have been but wasn't going to be because of past complications; the one who I've never met who thinks text message etiquette consists of "wyd" and "wyd later"; and the various ones who have scores of children, are 15 years older than me and think its acceptable to ask me on a date. ::snorts::
Look, I'll be the first to admit: I'm spoiled, bourgeoisie and expect a lot. I know this. I'll also confess that while I've lowered my standards (just down from sky high, I'm not trying to bottom feed or anything) verbally, I've yet to do it in my head. In my head, I'm still 16 and thinking that 25 is light years away and of course I'll be married with my first baby on the way by then.
It's beyond time to let that dream go.
At the end of the day, what I want is easy - I want to be the apple of somebody's eye. The princess that they love and adore, not just because of how I look. I want to be truly loved & I want it to be someone that I can reciprocate that with.
But also at the end of the day? It feels impossible. It bothers me every single day. Often times I leave my friends feeling humiliated & depressed because there I am, the single girl throwing the wrench in people's plans again. The longing for a partner has never been as high as it is now.
As we are 24 hours out from an entirely new year, I know I have to make a change. Not necessarily the "go-out-more-slash-meet-new-people" change, because that's obvious. I'm talking about the "acceptance-&-open-heart" change that usually leaves me with one (sorta) eyebrow raised.
As the minutes tick by and I reflect on the still of my heart & the silence of my house, the answer seems plain as day - let go and let a higher power.
My first instinct is to fight it because i'm a self-proclaimed control freak, but that place in my heart says NO. Let. Go. So I will. Try.
I don't know how it will manifest itself yet. But hopefully 2012 will be my year. My turn to be the princess. My time to have someone hold me up for a change.
Let go and let a higher power.
#1 on the State of the Union for 2012.
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