2011 State of the Union

In less than 12 hours, 2011 will be a year of the past. In some ways, it's been a long year; in others, I can't believe how quickly it's gone by. Almost at this time one year ago, I lived with someone else. On this day last year, I bought champagne flutes and champagne, and prepared myself for an evening in. I was struggling so badly then, I wanted to really let everything go.

As the minutes ticked to midnight, to the beginning of 2011, I asked - prayed - for few things. Forgiveness, peace, strength, the courage to move on. Most importantly I asked for 2011 to be a happy year. I wanted to be able to let go of the bad and only embrace the good.

And in a lot of ways, 2011 was a good year. I took ahold of my job and made changes good for me. I'm now living on my own and have done some serious weeding of my life for the better. I tried new things, found new passions & gained new friends. But as I look back, I also see that I was still many times stuck in my controlling ways. I spent more time than I should have focused on the wrong things - people who didn't mean anything to me, feelings that were unnecessary, what everyone around me thought. I spent more time than I should have caught up in something, and as the year closes, I can look back and say that while I was overall happy with 2011, I could have been more if I had just. let. go.

I'm assuming that no one just *has* peace in their heart (if you do, let me know how to be the same way). It is such a struggle for me to slow down and listen to silence. To understand that there could be a better way and that - gasp - I don't know it all. Those kinds of feelings make me feel vulnerable and like a small child, and I spend most of my life trying to avoid that. Vulnerability leads to anxiety, and we've well established my feelings about anxiety. But I feel like I'm at a point where slowing down has become unavoidable. In a world where life seems to move at dizzying speeds, where it is so easy to be caught up in the rush of friends & jobs & school & stuff, I am willing myself to slow down. To give some of the control to something else & to spend more time listening to the silence.

With that being said, the 2012 State of the Union is simple.

1. Let go & let a higher power.
2. Make decisions for me, without second guessing. I need to realize that being selfish sometimes is perfectly acceptable.
3. Pay off personal debt and establish a plan to live comfortably within my means.

Honestly, I thought this list would be a touch longer, but there's so much wrapped up in number one, that nothing else needs to be said. When I can let go, truly let go, all the tangible happiness that my brain seeks to see written on this paper will find me. And at that point, having it all written and documented won't mean anything because I'll actually have it & that my friends? Will be awesome.

I wish everyone out tonight a safe & wonderful NYE and here's the start of a fabulous 2012.

The one where I define humiliation & end on a good note.

So...this is a bit hard to write.

Well, that's not entirely true. It's hard because it's a bit of self-revelation. And who wants to admit things that make the vulnerable & weepy over the innernets? I certainly don't. But.

This is my form of emotional upheaval, and it's that strange, magical time at the end of the year where I tend to step back, reflect, and reset myself for the New Year.So upheaving we go.

Usually I just do a State of the Union. That's coming, but in order to fully hash that one out, this one has to come first.

So alas.

I present to you, a 500-word dissertation about humiliation, also known as my love life. Enjoy.

I've been single for well over 4 years.

I'm in my 20s. WTH?

I've had the occasional fling, or crush, or pseudo interest, but nothing to call significant in recent years. Even reading back on the last 3 sentences brings real tears to my eyes.

In my own head, I have all the things that consider you to be a success in society's eyes and not make it a mission from God to find someone. I'm reasonably good looking, smart, & have a personality that is by no means Hannibal Lecter or the Grinch. So what's with the lack of a partner? The reason why is probably a combination of a lot of things. The southern city I live in & it's notoriety for beautiful women, not as many men & boys who like other boys; the fact that I don't get out as much as the average 20-something; that the guys who tend to hit me are usually really strange. I could probably write for days about this but the end result is always the same - sounds like an excuse and anyways, I'm going to bed alone.

A close friend always says "love the one that loves you." And in it's simplicity, it makes sense. I've got a least a couple of men who love me, but it's unsettling. The question I struggle with is "what if loving the one that loves you makes you unhappy?" Is it worth it then? I usually say no, but obviously that hasn't worked out too well. Due diligence is now required.

So...I present a roster of the men "in my life". I'm hoping that writing it all out will make things clearer for me. Names have been abbreviated to protect the innocent uninterested.

K - my most recent crush. Most everything's there - taller than me, physically my type, close to my age (most guys who hit on me are 5'2" and 50 - so not okay), interesting, interested in me. At least I thought. And yes, physically he is interested in me. I know that for a fact. However, he keeps putting me squarely into the friend zone and I'm not sure why. We talk a lot - at least once a day, and over the holiday break, damn near all day every day. The objective view of this says that I don't have any business still pining over someone only interested in getting to know me in a bedroom at 3am (BTW, he doesn't want to do that, he's strictly into friendship & his own personal sexual fantasies) and I know this. I know this really well because I emotionally vomited on him one night and forced him to admit his feelings (or lack thereof) for me, and once I knew, I decided for myself how to approach the relationship. I think though, because there's no one else around, I'm enjoying the attention.This makes me a sucker. <-- the last sentence was totally a revelation.


B - the friend from high school where there's a light (read: inexperienced teen) past. Cool guy, kept in touch off and on over the years. A few weeks ago, we reconnected more - Skype conversations & more communicating in general. While I didn't suspect he'd be rushing me down the aisle any time soon, I think I built up a make believe interest on his part...and now I can understand it's simply not there. See the pattern? Lack of overall attention = imagining attention when it's probably not there = hurt feelings all.the.time.

:: This is the part in the post where I already notice the pattern of patheticness and start drinking the previously untouched glass of wine with a new vigor::

D - worships the ground I walk on. Ideally, a perfect match. Older than I like, but not to the point where I couldn't get past it. Physically my type, funny, will do anything in the world for me. The drawback is that (1) there's something about him I don't trust (trust me on this) and (2) he works for my company, in my department, and he's not trusted there either. I care too much about my reputation to make foolish mistakes like this. Should I let it stop me in this situation? I don't know, but my gut says 'yes' and I think I should follow it this time. We did some casual dating about this time last year, then I found out he was still living with his "soon-to-be-ex-wife" while they worked things out. Insert 0_o here. No thanks, sir. Even still, a year later, he really is a sweetheart, truth be told - too bad I don't trust him further than I can throw him and that goes a loooooong way with me.

L - new back on the scene, someone I went to high school with and haven't thought of in that many years. He really wants to date me, but honestly? I can't get past the physical. It's vain and rude, I know. But seriously? It's my blog and I'm being honest. There's something about dating someone I don't even want to look at that is a big NO in my book.

There are others - the one that could have been but wasn't going to be because of past complications; the one who I've never met who thinks text message etiquette consists of "wyd" and "wyd later"; and the various ones who have scores of children, are 15 years older than me and think its acceptable to ask me on a date. ::snorts::


Look, I'll be the first to admit: I'm spoiled, bourgeoisie and expect a lot. I know this. I'll also confess that while I've lowered my standards (just down from sky high, I'm not trying to bottom feed or anything) verbally, I've yet to do it in my head. In my head, I'm still 16 and thinking that 25 is light years away and of course I'll be married with my first baby on the way by then.

It's beyond time to let that dream go.

At the end of the day, what I want is easy - I want to be the apple of somebody's eye. The princess that they love and adore, not just because of how I look. I want to be truly loved & I want it to be someone that I can reciprocate that with.

But also at the end of the day? It feels impossible. It bothers me every single day. Often times I leave my friends feeling humiliated & depressed because there I am, the single girl throwing the wrench in people's plans again. The longing for a partner has never been as high as it is now.

As we are 24 hours out from an entirely new year, I know I have to make a change. Not necessarily the "go-out-more-slash-meet-new-people" change, because that's obvious. I'm talking about the "acceptance-&-open-heart" change that usually leaves me with one (sorta) eyebrow raised.

As the minutes tick by and I reflect on the still of my heart & the silence of my house, the answer seems plain as day - let go and let a higher power.

My first instinct is to fight it because i'm a self-proclaimed control freak, but that place in my heart says NO. Let. Go. So I will. Try.

I don't know how it will manifest itself yet. But hopefully 2012 will be my year. My turn to be the princess. My time to have someone hold me up for a change.

Let go and let a higher power.

#1 on the State of the Union for 2012.

An announcement.

Men hate me.

They make me want to hate them back. Except I don't. Cuz I'm not a lesbian and all that jazz.

SO FREAKIN SICK OF STUPID MEN LIKING ME EXCEPT NOT REALLY.

This is me putting my humiliation into a blog post.

That is all...until later.

When reality reaches up and gives you a big ol' backhand to the face.

How funny that I've been meaning to write this post and here it is writing itself for me.

Nonexistent new years plans have quickly turned into a super awesome sparkly plan to go to Savannah with a bunch of friends.

Oh, did I mention they were married? Oh! They are.

Here I am frantically racking my brain for someone to be able to come with me, but alas. No one. Well, not entirely true. Because I know someone off the top of my head who will jump at the opportunity but the idea of spending the beginning of a new year with him? No thanks.

Am I EVER gonna find a man?

More on this later, for sure.

Artistry. And shades of gray.

It took me a really long time to be able to admit to myself that I was am an artist.


When I was younger, I was all.math.and.science. I took AP Calculus and AP Physics (why, I'll never know). I prided myself on being able to calculate what was in black & white in front of me. I swore English and language arts were for people like my mom.


Then I grew up. & I found my love for graphic design & slowly but surely, I began to see the world in shades of gray.


Artists recognize other artists, even when they least expect too. I've been a designer for about 10 years now, and even now, I'm surprised how much I enjoy peeling back another layer of gray from things I never expected to.


A Jay-Z song. The intentions behind Kanye West's albums. A random painting in one of my favorite hotels. A key change in the middle of a song. A beautifully written paragraph in an engrossing book.


These. These are the things that delight me now, that help me to understand larger lessons in my life. Because seeing the world in black & white is both decidedly not fun & not the way to live.


It's the shades of gray that tell the story. It's what makes me feel alive & connected to other people. It dissipates that ball in my stomach ever-so-slightly and helps me breath again and smile a little to myself.

Holiday. Cocktail. Party.

It was last night, and by most accounts, it was a smashing success.


I'm having lots of mixed emotions right now, so I'll do my best to recount the evening, and the great parts about the party. And leave the emotional upheaval I'm currently experiencing to a separate part of this post.


We've already established that anxiety is an a-hole. So the hours leading up to the party, as calm as they were (the 4 page, daily updated list worked. Yay me!) were filled with more and more anxiety. It didn't help that A called to decline for not-really-a-good-reason-in-my-book, then T did, then M did.


By the time M called, I flipped out on her. I shouldn't have, and I feel bad about it, but I also felt like if I was anyone else, she wouldn't have done that. This is a completely different story that I may or may not get into. She ended up coming, and had a great time. 


By 7, I felt like some sad girl in a bad LMN movie - all dressed up with tons of food and drinks and like no one was coming. The house looked great, the food was perfectly arranged in the kitchen, the wine glasses were sparkling on the dining room table. Everything was perfect, but in one moment, I felt overwhelmingly lonely. Like I had all of this around me and was still alone in the world. Probably stupid, yes, I realize, but I had thoughts of calling everyone and telling them not to come. Then trying to make my way through several bottles of wine. 


I didn't. People showed up, and a good time was had by all. People came, ate (I made WAAAAYYY too much food), drank, laughed, and generally enjoyed themselves. We partied until 3 in the morning, and probably could have gone longer, if you know, it wasn't 3am.


I'm so pleased. For reasons of anxiety alone, I don't think I'll do it again, but I know what to expect if I do (and how not to buy so much freakin food!).


But.


For as good as the party was, Trainer didn't show. I know I was being completely irrational about it (I tend to do that when I'm drunk AND tornado warnings do constitute great reasons to get on the road the more I think about it) and probably made an ass out of myself (again) to him. I've stressed about it all day and I've come to the conclusion I'm tired. him, I'm tired of dealing with him, worrying about him, putting stock into our non-existent relationship. I'm going to stop training and hopefully regain my sanity where he's concerned.


Then he left a message this morning telling me he wanted to give me a Christmas present.


Seriously, folks. Then I felt so guilty I wasn't sure what to do. So I didn't call him back for 12 hours, because, DUH. Ignoring someone trying to do something nice for you even after you lost your shit on them is always the way to go. ::snorts::


There are lots of thoughts swirling in my head,  the one I really want to get out is the fact that I'm sad he didn't get to see me all pretty and dressed up. That's all I wanted. I wanted to take his breath away for a second, to feel like a man that's not my BFF's husbands and fiances say I'm pretty, to feel like the apple of someone's eye that I fancy as well.


To feel like I can - and deserve to be - be loved too. 


::sigh::


This post is all over the place, but there was so much, I hope I got the highlights. To recap:


 - yesterday was full of misplaced anxiety
- the party was really good, fun time was had by all
- trainer didn't show, and I proved once again that I let my emotions get the best of me when drunk


Probably isn't the best thing, but off to have a glass of wine (and 4 lbs of chicken, shrimp & meatballs) to try and sort out everything.


Nik

Why my job never fails to remind me that I'm still in my 20s.

So since I had the perpetual headache from hell last night, I didn't have a chance to catch up on a post. Now I'm at work, and I find that it's the best place to remind me that I'm still in my 20s, especially at the end of the year when NOBODY is at the office.


Disclaimer: I love my job, promise. I'm also really good at it. But, alas.


So I'm in the office today literally biding time until it seems like an acceptable hour to leave for the day. It's the holidays, so all the important people are on vacation or "working from home" for the rest of the year. My day has looked like this so far:


- check blogs
:: spend 5 seconds glancing at emails ::
- mess up my desk to make people think I just stepped away for a second, then run across the street to the mall to finish Christmas shopping
- come back, visit with work friends
:: spend 5 seconds glancing at emails ::
- lunch & more blog checking, plus the usual websites
- spend an hour obsessively planning all things Holiday. Cocktail. Party (now just TWO days away)
:: spend 5 seconds glancing at emails ::
- play mindless internet game
- attempt to sleep at desk and hope nobody disturbs me for a few minutes
- give up on sleep because of paranoia & remember to write blog post


Sooo yeah, productivity & responsibility? Not much for this girl.


There are 15 emails in my inbox right now all waiting for an answer from me, and because my boss is out, I adopt the mentality that none need to be answered. Awesome...and completely immature, but whatever. Until I get a follow up "HEY WE KNOW YOU'RE HERE WHAT ARE YOU DOING," I'm totally going to spend the rest of the afternoon figuring out how to waste another hour then leave. :)


In other news, just some tidbits about the other things I was supposed to mention in a weekend recap type post:


- Holiday. Cocktail. Party. (it shall always be referred to this way from now on). The enormity of it scared the shit out of me over the weekend and riled up quality anxious moments, but I've compiled the world's most obnoxious planning list, and that's keeping me on track. Fingers crossed, most of the big stuff will be done between today and tomorrow so that Thursday, all I have to do is set up, fix the room temperature food & make myself purrrty!
- I cooked for the 'rents on Saturday, and because I'm me, instead of doing something I *know* how to make, I went for it: shrimp & crabmeat ravioli with a roasted red pepper sauce. The food turned out surprisingly good (I was skeptical for a minute), and the parents enjoyed it. But they were so wary at first - I definitely won't be cooking for them again until I have a tried & true, can-make-it-without-a-recipe meal under my belt (one that's fancier than the ones that currently fit into that category). All around, it turned out to be good.


Off to waste another 45 minutes before I re-evaluate whether or not 2:30 is an acceptable time to leave!


Nik

OMG I've turned into that person.

I decided it would be fun to host a holiday party for a small group of friends.


Normal, fun idea, right? Planning it has turned into a cross between a hourly reminder of my OCD tendencies and my very own personal circle of hell.


The game plan for tomorrow - since I decided Sunday was the day I'd get very little accomplished - is to map out what needs to be done over the next 4 days so my head doesn't explode on Thursday.


More thoughts on the party, weekend recap & thoughts on cooking for my parents later. I'd write more now, but I'm wiped and it'd be pointless.


Sweet dreams!


Nik

Zero to sixty really does happen in 3.2 seconds.

I suffer from anxiety. Lots of it and very often.


Most some of the time I can get around it. There's something around to divert my attention; I can work through the problem; things resolve themselves.


But those times I can't? Feel like my trainer placed a 200lb weight on my chest. On top of a roller coaster that's about to head down.


Today's one of those days. Enough little things happen and BAM! I spend my evenings goading myself to take deep breaths and pouring glass after glass of wine hoping that something - anything - will take away the feeling inside. I don't want to feel like this forever. Hell, I don't even want to feel like this for another minute. But I look at the clock and think "OMG, it's only XX:XX and I'll be awake for another XX minutes (hours) and is this going to last the entire time?" And this hasn't even taken into account the fact that I can get worked up enough to cue my own insomnia...see how this all works?


It's a nasty, vicious cycle. I hate it with every fiber of my being.


I've been wishing recently that I had medication to help me. Not what I already have (for depression) but actual anxiety medication. Something that will help me chill out when I think one more breath will do me in. I'm going to give it some more thought, but I'm thinking of calling my doctor on Monday.


Until then...


I can honestly say I feel a teeny bit better having written this out. But the knots in my chest & stomach have settled in for the evening, and it's all I can do right now to not let them win.


But it's hard. So, so, so, so hard.

You know you have a good friend when...

...they call you at damn near 1am to check on you, knowing you may or may not be having a good day and they haven't heard from you in at least 12 hours.

Gestures like that? Warm the heart and make me damn proud that I call certain people friends & sisters. <3

Things that made me happy today

Wanted to quickly list the things that made me happy today:

- not working (I don't know one. single. person. who isn't happy on a day off)

- satisfying my inner-shoe-whore and buying ::clears throat:: SIX pairs of fabulous shoes today. They were cute though! And didn't even cost $300 total...I'm pretty proud of that.

- continuing the shopping trend and buying cute dresses for work, Christmas gifts for the 'rents, and some other meaningless stuff that I didn't really need but hey, it's the holidays!

- getting the hell out of Perimeter Mall. Places that are unnecessarily crowded bring out my anxiety in the worst way. I barely made it 30 minutes in there.

- getting my nails painted an obnoxious shade of bubble gum pink. The color is so bright, I can't help but be happy & giggle when I see it.

- my fave nail tech's obvious objection to said bubble gum pink color. She cracks me up because no matter what color I choose for my nails, she hates HATES it.It amuses me dearly.

- finding a dinner menu to cook for tomorrow for the parents. (If you're wondering, that will be seafood ravioli in a roasted red pepper cream sauce. Yep, because it's going to be as awesome as it sounds.)

- trying on said shoes all over again at home. No buyers remorse yet. They're HAUTE, even if I'm gonna be 6'1". Sigh & sideeye to short girls out there.

- finding & watching my favorite musical ever, Legally Blonde, online...

...which actually, I'm gonna get back to. Just wanted to get this post out before I either (a) finish the musical and go to bed or (b) stop it and pass out. Sometimes, especially at night, I have to remember what makes me happy and actually put some time into recognizing that. But that's another post for another night. 

Nite!

Nik

Am I already saying too much one entry in?

So.


Here we are.


I read blogs, I definitely don't write them. Or...wait. This is a blog, huh? And it's mine. Okay. Scratch the previous comment.


Anyhoo, this is my inaugural entry into my nameless-faceless-nobody-knows-me blog. I'm okay with it staying that way for now, but in the event that anyone ever finds it in the future - *waves* HEY! Welcome to the travesty you don't even know you're about to find!


I've been thinking about this blog for a few days months now, but I definitely had a yearning to really get it in gear last night. Without rehashing what's gotten me from there to here, I finally settled on a cute name and voila! Here we are.


This blog will be dedicated to my life - the seemingly inane, random, seriously? did that happen to you?! stuff that yes, does indeed happen to me. Need proof? I went for my annual ladies exam earlier and my doctor seemed more interested in telling me what he knew about social media than the exam. Um.


I'm all for a good distracting I-don't-know-you-and-you've-got-something-in-my-hoo-ha-this-is-really-awkward discussion. BUT. Sir. If one of my ovaries falls out in a day or two, I'm pretty sure you're to blame.


But I digress.


Some of my favorite bloggers spill their guts over the innernets, and it looks like I might be one of them too. Yeah. More on that, and everything else in due time.


Anyhoo...I'm feeling more accomplished than I thought just getting this initial entry written. So with that, I will resume playing Monopoly on my computer (since no one else plays Monopoly - SHAME.), catching up on trashy soaps and drinking more wine than should be legally consumed in a night.


Cheers!


Nik