Holiday. Cocktail. Party.

It was last night, and by most accounts, it was a smashing success.


I'm having lots of mixed emotions right now, so I'll do my best to recount the evening, and the great parts about the party. And leave the emotional upheaval I'm currently experiencing to a separate part of this post.


We've already established that anxiety is an a-hole. So the hours leading up to the party, as calm as they were (the 4 page, daily updated list worked. Yay me!) were filled with more and more anxiety. It didn't help that A called to decline for not-really-a-good-reason-in-my-book, then T did, then M did.


By the time M called, I flipped out on her. I shouldn't have, and I feel bad about it, but I also felt like if I was anyone else, she wouldn't have done that. This is a completely different story that I may or may not get into. She ended up coming, and had a great time. 


By 7, I felt like some sad girl in a bad LMN movie - all dressed up with tons of food and drinks and like no one was coming. The house looked great, the food was perfectly arranged in the kitchen, the wine glasses were sparkling on the dining room table. Everything was perfect, but in one moment, I felt overwhelmingly lonely. Like I had all of this around me and was still alone in the world. Probably stupid, yes, I realize, but I had thoughts of calling everyone and telling them not to come. Then trying to make my way through several bottles of wine. 


I didn't. People showed up, and a good time was had by all. People came, ate (I made WAAAAYYY too much food), drank, laughed, and generally enjoyed themselves. We partied until 3 in the morning, and probably could have gone longer, if you know, it wasn't 3am.


I'm so pleased. For reasons of anxiety alone, I don't think I'll do it again, but I know what to expect if I do (and how not to buy so much freakin food!).


But.


For as good as the party was, Trainer didn't show. I know I was being completely irrational about it (I tend to do that when I'm drunk AND tornado warnings do constitute great reasons to get on the road the more I think about it) and probably made an ass out of myself (again) to him. I've stressed about it all day and I've come to the conclusion I'm tired. him, I'm tired of dealing with him, worrying about him, putting stock into our non-existent relationship. I'm going to stop training and hopefully regain my sanity where he's concerned.


Then he left a message this morning telling me he wanted to give me a Christmas present.


Seriously, folks. Then I felt so guilty I wasn't sure what to do. So I didn't call him back for 12 hours, because, DUH. Ignoring someone trying to do something nice for you even after you lost your shit on them is always the way to go. ::snorts::


There are lots of thoughts swirling in my head,  the one I really want to get out is the fact that I'm sad he didn't get to see me all pretty and dressed up. That's all I wanted. I wanted to take his breath away for a second, to feel like a man that's not my BFF's husbands and fiances say I'm pretty, to feel like the apple of someone's eye that I fancy as well.


To feel like I can - and deserve to be - be loved too. 


::sigh::


This post is all over the place, but there was so much, I hope I got the highlights. To recap:


 - yesterday was full of misplaced anxiety
- the party was really good, fun time was had by all
- trainer didn't show, and I proved once again that I let my emotions get the best of me when drunk


Probably isn't the best thing, but off to have a glass of wine (and 4 lbs of chicken, shrimp & meatballs) to try and sort out everything.


Nik