The gift of music.

I'm really starting to believe that God talks to me through music.

I love it so much.

Edited to add: and writing too. & many other things that I'm discovering. I don't want to paint God in just one corner (who can?!) but it's been such a pleasure to cultivate this relationship and listen to Him speak to me through these mediums that I love so much that it brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.

He makes me smile...

He.

He makes me smile, with my heart.

He makes me want to to be a better, gentler version of myself.

He makes me want to work through the fear, through the uncertainty.

He makes me look forward to a text, a phone call, a visit.

He makes me feel lucky, and safe and privileged.

I'm determined to work through the things I need to. Because he.

He.

Is worth it.

Untitled Gratitude

I just had the best conversation with a co-worker and man! I'm so glad that we're friends. I genuinely like this person and I really do wish her all the happiness in the world. I hope we can get closer this year. :)

V-Day was last night and it was perfect. Seriously. This from the person who hates Valentines Day with a passion. It was low key and lovely.

I really wanted to write more, but I can't get my mind to focus. So I'll offer up a prayer of gratitude and continued happiness and attempt to at least *look* like I'm doing actual work.:)

Vegas! Is! Tomorrow!

Oh, boy.

If the rest of the night progresses like this, I'll have a hell of a story to write later.

Oh, boy.

Overwhelmed.

Feeling very overwhelmed right now.

It's been a little hard for me to have someone always wanting to see me. That sounds weird, but it's true. I'm an only child and I've been single for almost 5 years - I'm used to doing what I want, when I want. And I like it. I cherish my autonomy and I really like knowing that if I want to, at the end of a busy work day, I can crack open a bottle of wine (or 5) and chill. Or I can hang out with my friends. Or I can just sleep. Or do all of the things because I don't have to worry about already having plans.

I get a little panicky when I don't get that option. It's not that I don't want to see J. It's just I feel like seeing him multiple nights a week is taking some time for me to get through all the things I need to. It's starting to feel like I don't have enough time for myself, and that feeling ALWAYS makes me feel overwhelmed, regardless of the situation. It's a little strange, because I see my girlfriends multiple times a week. What's the difference? I think primarily, it's the pressure. With my girlfriends I don't have to be on. I also don't have to sleep with them, or be boo'ed up constantly. And it's not that I don't like any of those things, but I'm just picky about them. And I know that I need to change, and I'm certainly trying, but that doesn't mean the transition is any easier. I just prayed about it but I'm still not feeling calmer. I think I just need to sit for a second and be still, but I can't do that in the middle of the day when there's so much work to be done and a to-do list of 5K things in my head.

GAH.

And...I just want to talk through it and I don't feel like anyone understands.

Double GAH.

So, in the interest of not ranting without a solution, I'm leaving work today at 4pm. I'm going to buy 2 bottles of wine. I'm going to take a hot bath and relax for a while. Then I'm going to enjoy my night with J, and worry about the V-Day to do's (a whole, separate post on that later), tomorrow, which still has 6 hours for me to get things done.

*feeling calmer already*

Today sucks.

My friend M is really sick. She could have hurt herself or others last night because she's sick and we're tired of dealing with it. I was mad and didn't think through the consequences of taking her to her car. I'd never be able to forgive myself if something happened to her. She needs help. And badly. I'm not really sure what else to do about it, but it needs to be done soon. Today was a wake up call, and I don't want it to be anything more.

Someone I follow on the innernets, Jackie!, just found out today that she's exhausted all the treatments she can for her brain tumor. This makes me oh so sad and oh so angry. She's in her early 30s and has so much more life to lead. It's not fair that she knows she won't make it out of 2012. I pray she does. It's just. not. fair.

In the midst of these two horrible situations, I feel more grounded in faith than I have in a long time. I've got a long way to go to figure out my beliefs, but it feels so much better to be able to say that I can pray - and do - and mean it. It helps when the world is so unfair, to be able to give it to someone higher than me. It seems selfish to say that in light of their struggles, but it's the truth. And the truth I vowed to live by this year.

So, God, you listening? Get ready, I feel like I'm going to have a lot to say.

Nerves of [NOT] steel + weekend update.

I wanted to start with the weekend update first but my stomach is in such knots that I needed to get this part out first. I have no idea why I'm feeling like this. Nothing significant happened last night, or even this morning. I think I'm just going to write out some of the things that are making me feel less than superb and maybe one of them will be the "AHA!" moment.

• I'm relationship nervous. It's been a while since I've done this. I'm especially nervous about the next step but I know that once we do it once, it'll be fine. I hope so, anyways.

• I wish my friends were more excited for me. Maybe they are excited, but it doesn't feel like it and that makes me feel like I'll always be behind the proverbial eight ball. [headed back to read this post after I'm done writing this current one.]

• I'm feeling a bit unsure about all the travel I want to do soon. Feels like the reason that I chose to do the travel isn't really the reason anymore; now I need to figure out how to make changes accordingly.

• I think I'm really just the most nervous about J. I'm so scared that he'll like me more than I'll like him...don't get me wrong, I do like him, I just like to settle faster than most so the giddy girly feeling only lasts a while before I'm trying to figure out how to get back to "normal." That's something I really need to pray about and ask for help with. I need real help with this and I get that I do.

I just need to pray. Honestly. And writing that down has taken away the butterflies.

This whole spirituality thing? Is awesome. I'm really feeling like I can be the best version of myself with a little additional thought,and the concept of this is so overwhelming that I could cry right now. From happiness and relief and gratitude and the knowledge that I don't have to do everything all by myself.

So! Onto the weekend update.

Friday night it was nice to chill and not do a single thing. I feel like I go so hard during the week - meeting with friends, dates, school, etc., that I'm usually ready to chill on the weekends. The thing is, though, now the weekends are getting to be the same way, so it's nice to be able to spend one day on my couch, catching up on TV and chilling out. I really relish my autonomy so much.

Saturday was a flurry of getting ready to go out with J later that night. I had a hunch that would be the first kiss (I was right!) so I just wanted to look really pretty. The errand running took WAY longer than I wanted it to, but everything worked out in retrospect. The date was fun and that boy is a really good kisser! :)

Oh, Sunday. Started innocently enough. Meeting the girls at one of our favorite bars. First time I've seen M since I told her to back off. Seemed good at first, but she hasn't changed a single bit and that's so frustrating. Bullied her way into talking about why we've all but stopped talking to her. Cried. Drank too much and had to leave her car there. Got obnoxious at my house. Same story, different day. I was fuming by the time I took her to get her car. I actually rode up the highway for a little while because I was so mad and didn't know what else to do. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but damn. How much are we expected to take? Get some help! It sounds mean, but we've been dealing with this for a year and a half and it's old. When I was crazy, I was hard to be around, but I got help. This is too much. It makes me sad for her. And, I could have gone to hang out with my other friend and I didn't, and I should have. Ugh.

Anyhoo, that's the weekend in a nutshell. This week brings another class, the Dook game & a whirlwind of stuff to do for work. I'm vowing to actually do work this week and not slack off so much. LOL. I'll start at 12, though.

Anyhoo, time to blog hop & catch up on the news...then work. I haven't forgotten already! :)

How did I look up and it's February??

Where's the year going?

That's the point of this post. Have a good day!