Overwhelmed.

Feeling very overwhelmed right now.

It's been a little hard for me to have someone always wanting to see me. That sounds weird, but it's true. I'm an only child and I've been single for almost 5 years - I'm used to doing what I want, when I want. And I like it. I cherish my autonomy and I really like knowing that if I want to, at the end of a busy work day, I can crack open a bottle of wine (or 5) and chill. Or I can hang out with my friends. Or I can just sleep. Or do all of the things because I don't have to worry about already having plans.

I get a little panicky when I don't get that option. It's not that I don't want to see J. It's just I feel like seeing him multiple nights a week is taking some time for me to get through all the things I need to. It's starting to feel like I don't have enough time for myself, and that feeling ALWAYS makes me feel overwhelmed, regardless of the situation. It's a little strange, because I see my girlfriends multiple times a week. What's the difference? I think primarily, it's the pressure. With my girlfriends I don't have to be on. I also don't have to sleep with them, or be boo'ed up constantly. And it's not that I don't like any of those things, but I'm just picky about them. And I know that I need to change, and I'm certainly trying, but that doesn't mean the transition is any easier. I just prayed about it but I'm still not feeling calmer. I think I just need to sit for a second and be still, but I can't do that in the middle of the day when there's so much work to be done and a to-do list of 5K things in my head.

GAH.

And...I just want to talk through it and I don't feel like anyone understands.

Double GAH.

So, in the interest of not ranting without a solution, I'm leaving work today at 4pm. I'm going to buy 2 bottles of wine. I'm going to take a hot bath and relax for a while. Then I'm going to enjoy my night with J, and worry about the V-Day to do's (a whole, separate post on that later), tomorrow, which still has 6 hours for me to get things done.

*feeling calmer already*